Fighting for the silver chariot of the parking lot.
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  • Bob Crane

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    You can almost hear Sergeant Schultz’s slurred bellow…”Hogan!” While the wacky antics of sitcom character Colonel Hogan were always good for a belly laugh, the real life atrocities of the actor who played him, Bob Crane, are difficult to stomach. He had been presumed dead from being bludgeoned in his Scottsdale apartment in 1978. But a recent Center for Prevention of Shopping Cart Abuse investigation revealed that the actor faked his own death in order to pursue his disturbing fetish for defiling Shopping Carts.

    Imagine returning from a family vacation and finding a dozen Carts piled into your fish pond. Now imagine each one of the carts has been re-welded into a shape representing a famous Austrian Olympian. Rosie Carmella had not even considered it until she and her children returned to Tempe, Arizona after a week in Acapulco. “It was horrible. We were all in such good spirits from our trip,” she told us. “Then I went into the backyard…and saw them…It was when I realized one looked unmistakably like Franz Klammer that I understood how afraid we all should be.”

    The incident was part of a series of ritualistic abuses in the area. All of these acts are now known to be the handiwork of Bob Crane and an underground network he has built up over the years.

    “There was a time when finding a Shopping Cart engraved with quotes from Barberella and covered with llama dung was unusual,” says Wickenburg, Arizona sheriff Tink Donner, “but these days we just shrug and mark it off as the work of the Shadow Lords.”

    The Shadow Lords is the moniker taken by Bob Crane and his faithful followers. Our work uncovering their operation has driven him deeper underground. But as we have seen in the past, Bob Crane is perfectly comfortable in dark places.

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    This is one of the earliest known photographs documenting Mr. Crane's obsession with Shopping Carts. He was a pioneer in the field of Cart miniaturization. Here we see him in his South American teaching lab. He has always been eager to exhibit his psychopathic precepts to the next generation.

    This is one of the earliest known photographs documenting Mr. Crane's obsession with Shopping Carts. He was a pioneer in the field of Cart miniaturization. Here we see him in his South American teaching lab. He has always been eager to exhibit his psychopathic precepts to the next generation.

     

    Bob Crane was renown for showing up at cocktail parties with his “Jiggy Train”. This consisted of him, his date and a Shopping Cart. Guests described how towards the end of a soiree he would strip naked and invite people to “ride the caboose” while he urinated over the Cart. It was noted that the he never brought the same date twice.

    Bob Crane was renown for showing up at cocktail parties with his “Jiggy Train”. This consisted of him, his date and a Shopping Cart. Guests described how towards the end of a soiree he would strip naked and invite people to “ride the caboose” while he urinated over the Cart. It was noted that the he never brought the same date twice.

     

    In recent years Bob Crane has been careful to not allow himself to be photographed. This image was recovered from a German cult known as <em>Über Einkaufenkarrenverführer</em>. Mr. Crane was abroad, traveling under an alias, and documenting the cutting edge techniques used by the group for Shopping Cart torture. Computer analysis has confirmed the presence of his reflection on the window.

    In recent years Bob Crane has been careful to not allow himself to be photographed. This image was recovered from a German cult known as Über Einkaufenkarrenverführer. Mr. Crane was abroad, traveling under an alias, and documenting the cutting edge techniques used by the group for Shopping Cart torture. Computer analysis has confirmed the presence of his reflection on the window.

     

    What could be more relaxing the lying in the grass on a sunny day with a good book? For Bob Crane having a couple Carts to kick around between chapters spices up the situation.

    What could be more relaxing the lying in the grass on a sunny day with a good book? For Bob Crane having a couple Carts to kick around between chapters spices up the situation.

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