Fighting for the silver chariot of the parking lot.
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  • 12 Steps

    12 Steps

    If you are a Shopping Cart abuser, there is hope. It all starts with recognizing that you have a problem. You can break the cycle of abuse as simply as you can break inanimate objects. Read these twelve steps, memorize them, repeat them often, live them. Think of this as your 12 item or less express checkout to a better life, and you’re not paying with food stamps, you’re paying with good stamps!


    prayer womanGrant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

    Step 1 

    I admit I have been powerless over the temptations to smash, dent, toss, scold, defile, discredit and otherwise abuse Shopping Carts.

    Step 2 

    I humbly call upon my inner-strength to help me remove my shortcomings.

    raftStep 3 

    I will make moral ammends with the Carts who had the misfortune to cross aisles with me, those in the dumpsters, those in the ravines, and those in the scrap heaps waiting to be recycled.

    Step 4 

    I will not eat Milk-Duds for breakfast. [note: we are not sure why this helps but it does]

    Step 5 

    I will think of a bridge as a method of transport between two different points, on more of a horizontal plane than a vertical one.

    hugStep 6 

    As I push a Shopping Cart with a wobbly wheel, I will not think of it as today’s target for the sledgehammer toss, I will think of it as a “special” Shopping Cart that is “locomotively challenged” and just requires a little extra attention.

    Step 7 

    I pledge to bring more love not just into the supermarket, but into my home, my office, my car, my kennel, my friends’ homes, stranger’s homes, and back into the supermarket on my next visit.

    Step 8 

    I will not loan money to friends. [This isn’t particular to Shopping Cart abuse, but always a good rule]

    kissStep 9 

    I will donate all my welding paraphenalia to the local Mason’s chapter, where it will be used in a secretive but hopefully peaceful manner.

    Step 10 

    Susie sits on her shelf. [repeat 10 times fast]

    Step 11 

    I will never again recite from “12 Steps To Being A More Destructive Shopping Cart Abuser”.

    Step 12 

    Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I will try to carry this message to other Shopping Cart Abusers and practice these principals every day, including weekends and holidays.

    Congratulations! By following this simple mantra, you will learn to remove the anger aimed at Shopping Carts, and focus it on something else instead.

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