Incident Report #953724YOY
A single Cart was cast onto on icy river in Yarmouth, Maine.
DETAIL: This Abuse is obviously a cry for help from a sexually frustrated midget. We are able to determine this by the timing of the Abuse; dead of winter, indicating an inherent disassociation with warmth. The cart fell 86 degrees from a height of 153 feet and yet landed completely on the port side. Our computer model indicates that with existing wind conditions at the ETA (Estimated Time of Abuse), only a person between 2’7″ and 4’11” could have accomplished this result. We are also suspicious of a note duct-taped to the cart which read, “Banzai foul-metal beast made for non-midgets, I’d probably be less pissed off if I were getting laid more. Signed, The Sexually Frustrated Midget.”
PROFILE: The lowdown is this; be on the lookout for an oriental male, age 20-35, less than 5′ tall, with good penmanship.