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If you are a Shopping Cart abuser, there is hope. It all starts with recognizing that
you have a problem. You can break the cycle of abuse as simply as you can break
inanimate objects. Read these twelve steps, memorize them, repeat them often, live
them. Think of this as your 12 item or less express checkout to a better life, and
you're not paying with food stamps, you're paying with good stamps!
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Landing
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Step 1
I admit I have been powerless over the temptations to smash,
dent, toss, scold, defile, discredit and otherwise abuse
Shopping Carts.
Step 2
I humbly call upon my inner-strength to help me remove my
shortcomings.
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Step 3
I will make moral ammends with the Carts who had the misfortune to
cross aisles with me, those in the dumpsters, those in the ravines,
and those in the scrap heaps waiting to be recycled.
Step 4
I will not eat Milk-Duds for breakfast. [note: we are not sure why
this helps but it does]
Step 5
I will think of a bridge as a method of transport between two different
points, on more of a horizontal plane than a vertical one.
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Step 6
As I push a Shopping Cart with a wobbly wheel, I will not think of it as
today's target for the sledgehammer toss, I will think of it as a "special"
Shopping Cart that is "locomotively challenged" and just requires a little
extra attention.
Step 7
I pledge to bring more love not just into the supermarket, but into
my home, my office, my car, my kennel, my friends' homes, stranger's homes,
and back into the supermarket on my next visit.
Step 8
I will not loan money to friends. [This isn't particular to Shopping
Cart abuse, but always a good rule]
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Step 9
I will donate all my welding paraphenalia to the local Mason's chapter,
where it will be used in a secretive but hopefully peaceful manner.
Step 10
Susie sits on her shelf. [repeat 10 times fast]
Step 11
I will never again recite from "12 Steps To Being A More Destructive
Shopping Cart Abuser".
Step 12
Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I will
try to carry this message to other Shopping Cart Abusers and practice
these principals every day, including weekends and holidays.
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Congratulations! By following this simple mantra, you will learn to remove the
anger aimed at Shopping Carts, and focus it on something else instead.
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